Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives Blog 6: The Great Retro Camping Trip

Apart from looking somewhat like Farmer Benjamin, the only reference that first line of this article has to episode six is the fact there were logs on a fire.

But in a curious twist for this third sentence, another connection (check) is made because the year he had that hit is about the same era of manufacture of the caravans brought in for the great Farmer Wants A Wife camping trip, also known as the Farmer Benjamin Sweat-A-Thon.

Perhaps a version for this show could be "Put Some More Festoon Lights on the Campsite".

But that would be impossible because there are no remaining festoon lights anywhere in the country due to the producers buying up every single strand.

But before the mozzie coils come out, here's some dot points to bring us to this juncture:

Then, like the helpful on-screen guide that appears upon the completion of every level in a video game, Nat appears from nowhere.

She delivers the news that the farmers have to choose a girl/guy for an extended camping date.

Previously on Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives:

That creates "substantial stress" for Farmer "Costa Georgiadis" Benjamin. If only he knew what else was to come from the evening, he'd probably have lined his stomach with milk and Gaviscon in preparation for the pending stomach ulcers.

Twice we hear Rommi say camping is so much fun, even though she's never done it before.

She looks like she's just come off the rugby field having been jersey-slung by her flannelette top which hangs annoyingly off one shoulder. She's complemented this with a mint condition fedora.

There are plenty of trees at this camping spot. There are even trees in the commercials as Toyota does a spot of greenwashing by reminding us of their tree-planting initiative, featuring shots of the farmers planting trees.

At the campsite, the girls will be sleeping in the vans while the boys will be swagging it. The trees will be sleeping outside. That's if they can get any sleep with the constant festoon glow draped from most of them.

Leish is very, very excited about the van.

WHILE the potential wives and husbands all have a bit of a catch up, the farmers are forced to go fishing as background to deep discussions on their partner-hunting progress.

They make their way to what appears to be an effluent run-off catchment pond. The water is brown, like a thousand contestants have washed off their fake tans.

It soon becomes clear (unlike the water) Farmer Ben is the only one to have fished before. In keeping with the retro camping theme, a tartan esky is seen as is one of those old woven camping chairs that have come back in vogue.

It is the first time in Australian history anyone has taken a galvanized bucket on a fishing trip as opposed to the tried and tested 15L Taubman's Tradex white wall paint plastic bucket, swiped from the skip bin at a building site.

There are predictable analogies made between fishing and finding a wife/husband. Farmer Will, who could actually be a morning show weatherman, keeps flashing his pearly whites around.

Who has kissed who is the topic of conversation. Farmer Harry, allowed to be out with the grown-ups, attempts to bring some insight into Farmer Benjamin's problems and the trajectory of true love, commenting on what happens after the honeymoon phase.

No one has the heart to tell young Harry that there is an actual honeymoon phase... commonly had during a honeymoon, which comes after a wedding, which is supposed to be the whole point of this exercise.

Having brought the word "coagulate" into an earlier episode, Farmer Benjamin informs us he is in a "flummoxing" situation. His use of big words further reinforces that he must be Costa's cousin, and would be able to rattle off various long botanical plant names.

His toing and froing is nearing on endorsing polygamy, which probably wouldn't surprise anyone at this point.

Curiously, Farmer Paige doesn't seem to be able to offer much in the way of help to the blokes. In previous series, the male farmers would have killed to have a female head of reason in their conversations. Paige may have so much going on she doesn't have the headspace to be giving relationship advice.

Will catches an eel. He declares "fish on" even after reeling it in and acknowledging it is in fact, an eel. He realises this with a laugh, before turning to check to camera and declaring: "Okay, let's check the temps across the nation now. Sunny in Darwin, top of 32..." (NOTE: That last bit didn't actually happen.)

AS if describing a 9-year-old's McDonald's birthday party, Benjamin declares: "The pickles are getting tossed around left, right and centre."

He's referencing the fact he has to come clean with his girls on his kissing escapades. It's a long and drawn out affair.

He tells Lyndsay he's kissed Erin. Lyndsay simmers with rage. If she were back in the classroom (she's a teacher), she'd have given Farmer Benjamin detention.

"We got real deep, real early, and that was real for me," Farmer Benjamin says, for real.

Lyndsay shoots back the line: "You've got to try before you buy, right?" That's colder than an unkissed wife's reception.

Actually, we see exactly how cold that is when he tells Hannah the Unkissed the same a bit later.

As if back to the staffroom with gossip, Lyndsay passes on to Erin the information that they've both pashed Benjamin.

Farmer Benjamin tells Hannah (the unkissed wife), in a stuttering, stop-start kind of way, that he's shared his lipgloss with the other two.

He's digging more holes than Dale Kerrigan. At one point, his bodily squirming is like he's trying to keep from changing into something. A werewolf perhaps? Hard to tell what point of the transformation he's at with all that hair.

Hannah isn't happy about the situation describing it as "the biggest kick in the guts".

In the Benjamin and Erin conversation, the fringed flower farmer drops a string of swears, which is most unbecoming.

We finally see the high drama bit that was in the season promos when she serves up the line: "Don't shove it down my throat". Sadly, she isn't talking about roasted eel.

"I walk to the beat of my own drum until I can't any more," Erin says.

"I'm liking the rhythm," Farmer Benjamin replies, and they hug. We all reach for a sick bag.

WEATHERMAN Will is downing sausages in bread like he's outside Bunnings on a Saturday morning, where he's probably doing a live cross with a rainfall update. He has a bit of alone time with Maddi, who could just be after the weekend forecast.

Harry and Rommi (sleeve still off the shoulder) have a chat in the back of the ute repeating the same sorts of lines as the participants from the previous 11 series.

Fair dinkum, this show has more connections than an irrigation shop.

A while later in the same ute, Paige puts it straight to Dylan, who replies that he's having a good time, isn't good at picking up signals and signs, and eventually admits he's struggling to find a... what's that word....it means the joining of two things....oh yeah, connection.

Farmer Paige seems to enter no-man's land saying of Dylan: "I don't think he even knows where he's at."

Back near the fire there is some half-hearted dancing going on. Did they learn nothing from the country ball?

Lauren ends up crying on Ben's shoulder because she hasn't had a solo date and pretty much feels like the third wheel. They hug it out but it seems the writing is on the wall there.

And just to be clear, that writing would probably say: "Lauren, you are going home." There may also be some graffiti on that wall that says: "#Connections".

It's raining as the farmers gather for a time-out chat. Paige is more confused than a cat in a hall of mirrors.

Farmer Benjamin gives us a whip-cracking sound effect. Or perhaps it was champagne being poured? Or air rushing out of a tyre? Or the wind running through Dylan's head? Or the white noise from Rommi's mouth?

Who knows? We don't see Will again as he's ducked off to hair and make-up before having to front the green-screen weather map.

We sign off with some forlorn looking shots of Paige toasting some marshmallows over an open fire, that probably requires another log to be thrown upon it.

NEARING the halfway mark of the race and it's about here they'll throw in a twist. Not a Darrell Lea liquorice twist like we might all be keen for, but a curveball to mix things up. Those lasses and lads better work on their surprise "I did not see that coming" faces. Lay it down.