'God's Own Country' v the Ibiza of Asia - which bucket-list location is for you?

They are two of India's most rewarding coastal destinations, but what's on your bucket list first - mindblowing culture in Kerala or heavenly beaches in Goa? Our duelling experts help you decide.

Elephant unemployment is very low in Kerala. The southern state on India's Malabar Coast puts on thousands of festivals every year, and caparisoned pachyderms party at most of them. Garlanded and bejewelled elephants are a revered part of many of Kerala's tongue-twisting celebrations, including Alpashi Utsavam, Kodungalloor Bharani and Onam, the festival most attended by tourists due to its cultural significance and syllabic simplicity.

Onam is Kerala's state festival, and its 10 days of attractions include floral carpets, elephant processions, snake boat races (not actual snakes), tiger dances (not actual tigers), monkey feeding (actual monkeys), unpronounceable games and traditional feasts served on banana leaves. Festivals are huge throughout India, and Goa's ganja- and grog-soaked parties feature a lot of elephants, too, although many of these are pink and airborne.

Kerala's picturesque landscapes are legendary. Beautiful beaches and backwaters, lakes, mountain ranges, waterfalls and diverse wildlife accompany lush tea plantations, ancient ports, forts, palaces, museums, monuments, pilgrimage centres and an endless array of temples. In the capital, Thiruvananthapuram, you can visit Sree Padmanabhaswamy Temple, known as the richest temple in the world, as well as the bright pink Beemapally Mosque, and Attukal Bhagavathy Temple, where the annual Attukal Pongala festival attracts more than 3 million women to honour the goddess, Bhadrakali.

In 1500, the port city of Kochi hosted the first European settlement in India. Here you'll find a graceful mix of European and Kerala-style Nalukettu architecture, highlighted by the remains of Fort Emmanuel, St Francis Church, and Mattancherry Palace and its intricate Hindu murals. The Chinese fishing nets stretching into the water at Fort Kochi Beach is an iconic image.

Ayurvedic tourism is big business in Kerala, too, and adherents come here from all over the world to be rejuvenated by herbal medicines, meditation, yoga, massage, laxatives and enemas. To each their own, I suppose, but it is said that an authentic Ayurvedic massage will make you so relaxed you forget about the enema. Kerala's ecotourism destinations include two national parks and 12 wildlife sanctuaries. Goa boasts many traditional detox centres dedicated to preserving endangered hippies.

In 1989, Kerala proclaimed itself "God's Own Country". The holy moniker persisted like a scam caller and is now the state's accepted nickname. In 2012, Kerala overtook the Taj Mahal as the top travel destination in Google searches for India. In a similar vein, Goa has become known as the "Ibiza of Asia". Capably led by Amy, so many Poms have partied there that its unofficial slogan is "Keep Calm and Curry On."

I couldn't Kerala-less if Mal's trumpeting about elephants and preening his prana to lure you into a no-Goa zone. India's tiniest state is also the star of the south-western coast, bringing hedonism to your Hinduism. Goa is shorthand for good times; a playground upon which even Ibiza, Mykonos and Berlin can only gaze in envy, and whisper: whoa, Goa.

Admittedly, the 1960s were a bit too much. Naked hippies, flaming drum circles and Dylan on repeat are not everyone's cup of chai. Nor the mind-melting 1990s psychedelic rave scene, which fried so many frontal lobes, the local authorities started regulating the revelry. Nowadays, people wear some clothes, and parties last a day rather than three months.

But Goa still goes off.

This is a place where cashew nuts and coconuts are alchemised into feni, an aromatic, delicious and fiercely potent liquor unique to Goa. It's also the birthplace of the vindaloo, king of all curries, packing heat so intense and intoxicating, you'll wonder if that's what those hippies put in their bongs.

Thanks to 451 years of Portuguese rule, Goan food is a joyous jamboree of fiery flavours from east and west - and seafood so fresh it practically swims onto your plate. The beaches are India's best. An almost unbroken sweep of golden sand lines the state's 100 kilometres of Konkan Coast, and along its curves and coves, palm trees wave gently at the Arabian Sea, colourful beach shacks sell tandoori lobster, cold Kingfishers and lassi, and music wafts on clouds of incense. From Anjuna, the original hippy hub in the north, where trance parties still throb, to pristine, crescent-curved Palolem in the south, with its frolicking dolphins and serene swimming waters, to celebrity-sprinkled Ashwem, magnet for Bollywood stars, and unspoiled Arambol, home to turtles and white-bellied sea eagles, Goa's glittering shores are pure pleasure.

The Portuguese bequeathed thousands of churches and some showpiece buildings. Sixteenth-century St Catherine's Cathedral, in Old Goa, is a grandiose chest-beater of a church, said to be bigger than any in Portugal. Nearby, the Basilica of Bom Jesus contains the uncannily well-preserved remains of Goa's patron saint, St Francis Xavier, who - in a scenario with major Rod Stewart vibes - draws a crowd of more than 5 million fans when brought out of his casket every 10 years.

Once the monsoon season's over, Goa's November and December peak holiday season is glorious, with balmy blue skies. Kerala, meanwhile, heads into the black clouds of its second annual monsoon - the sort of extra pour you won't find served up at a banging beach bar on Goa's golden sands garnished with lemon, salt and a slice of chilli.

You can keep Kerala, Mal - for me, there's only one way to Goa.