Hello, officer? I'd like to report a theft.
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Look, it hasn't happened yet. But this thief is so punctual you can set your clock by him. I guarantee you he'll be back this weekend on his annual visit, sneaking into homes in the dead of night and snatching the smallest of things few of us can spare - an hour of our time.
Yes, I know many people regard him as a hero and welcome his arrival with open arms. But that's because this thief - better known by his misleading alias "daylight saving" - is a deceptive bugger who's been fooling the country for far too long.
Sorry? You think he's a real charmer because he extends our evenings? A modern-day Robin Hood whose thievery can be excused because he dollops out extra daylight to the time-poor? With all due respect, officer, we're talking larceny dressed up as benevolence. His so-called generosity is a con.
Listen, this is not the ranting of a grumpy old man who hates the disruption to his nightly routine. It also has nothing to do with how cranky that man gets trying to change the time on that infernal digital oven clock because his instruction booklet is missing.
Daylight saving is not just an unwanted intrusion, officer. It's a giant fraud, a conspiracy supported by the tourism and hospitality industries, and it's time to put a stop to it.
It was first trialled during both world wars and charmed its way into our lives with the noble promise of saving power by making better use of natural light - a sound argument back when lamps were a costly drain on the household budget.
But today? Air conditioners, fridges, TVs and other screens all run longer into the evenings. Studies show we burn even more power because of the extra daylight. So much for the thief's green credentials.
There's also the national confusion the thief sows. Queensland, Western Australia and the Northern Territory won't have a bar of him. But the rest of us kindly invite him into our homes every year, resulting in a patchworked nation of mismatched hours, disruptions to flight schedules and bungled meetings and appointments.
Seriously, if daylight saving was proposed today, who would even consider it? Who could argue with a straight face that, in this era of global connectivity where satellites keep atomic time down to a billionth of a second, fiddling with clocks twice a year is the mark of a modern enlightened society?
Listen, officer, I have a thick file on this offender filled with victim impact statements proving how disruptive daylight saving truly is. The science is clear. Ask any hospital administrator.
In the days after we lose an hour's sleep, there's a spike in heart attacks and strokes. Studies show road accidents climb. Workplace accidents increase. Productivity decreases. One stolen hour throws our bodies out of rhythm. In the weeks after dawn is delayed, the darkness feels thicker and every morning is akin to Chinese opera - jarring and discordant.
Many families know the cost. Do you have young kids, officer? Tried tucking a stubborn toddler into bed while the sun is still blazing? And teenagers, whose circadian rhythms remain one of the universe's most enduring mysteries, who view mornings as a crime against humanity, stay up even later.
Look, officer, I won't take up any more of your time. But I want to make it clear I am not reporting this theft simply because I prefer going to bed early, or feel unsettled about a government edict that insists the day is not what the sun says it is, but what the law decrees it to be.
Ultimately, this theft of a solitary hour - begrudgingly returned to us at the end of summer - is a reminder of how little time we all possess. The young forgive this crime because they believe they have endless hours to lose. The old resent it because they know better. Time cannot be stretched, given back or even rearranged, as it will be once again this weekend.
It's always stolen, in increments large or small, until one day it is gone forever.
So if it's OK with you, officer, I'd like my precious hour back.
HAVE YOUR SAY: Is it time to end daylight saving or do you support it? Should we have it year-round? Do you experience adverse symptoms because of the switch to summer time? Email us: echidna@theechidna.com.au
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THEY SAID IT: "I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year." - Victor Borge
YOU SAID IT: The eight-hour work day was a hard-won victory for the labour movement most of us now take for granted. A new campaign for a four-day work week faces similar stiff opposition.
"A four-day week reduces the unproductive hours by 20 per cent," writes Arthur. "Time spent travelling to and from work, getting tools out at the start of the day and putting them away is time spent on unproductive work. The other advantage of a four-day week is the reduction in greenhouse emissions due to less travelling to and from work. A four-day week should be on the agenda of the productivity commission."
Lee was a manager who implemented a shorter working week for her team until her bosses stepped in: "We were told to stop it. So we did. So many unhappy staff. For six months, they had better work-life balance. We had less sick leave and nothing was missed. The issue was, we are a 9000-strong workforce and I only supervised 60 of those staff. Everyone wanted what we were doing so they stopped it."
"I love the idea of the four-day working week and see it as a continuation of the trajectory, but it's problematic for businesses with a limited workforce and customers who expect five-day service," writes Maggie. "I worked at a radio station when the announcers' award reduced their hours, but they still had to be on air for the full shift. It amounted to a minor pay rise but no effect on hours. Perhaps the same would happen with the four-day week."











